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As I reflect on my self-help book “Heal Ourselves,” which I wrote a few years ago, I realize there were topics I didn’t cover — a few so valuable they’re worth exploring.
This topic stands out as one of those I wish I had included: abandonment. Many adults, including yours truly, carry the echoes of childhood and adult abandonment—wounds that still shape relationships, choices, and sense of self.
In this piece, I want to explore this important topic by sharing 10 ways abandonment issues show-up and in part two (Part II) of this blog — 10 ways to overcome and begin to heal from these childhood wounds.
Here’s what I learned and what resonated with me and my lived experiences:
1. Hypervigilance in Relationships
When someone is left—physically or emotionally—by a person they depended on, their nervous system learns: “People leave. Stay ready.”
Behaviors:
They overthink small changes in tone or behavior. Constantly scanning for signs that someone is pulling away. Panicking if texts or calls aren’t returned quickly. Difficulty relaxing even in stable relationships.
2. Fear of Intimacy (but also fear of losing it)
A hallmark sign: “Come close—but not too close.” They push you away but want a relationship.
Behaviors:
Saying they want a deep connection but sabotaging when it starts feeling “too real.” Keeping emotional walls up even with people they love. Choosing unavailable partners. Breaking things off preemptively (“I’d rather leave first than be left again.”)
3. People-Pleasing to Avoid Being Left
When a caretaker’s love felt conditional, the child learns:
“I must be good or perfect to be kept.”
Behaviors:
Over-functioning: doing too much, fixing, funding, and rescuing. Difficulty saying no. Staying in unhealthy relationships out of fear of abandonment. Losing themselves in other people’s needs.
4. Deep Sensitivity to Rejection
Even small disappointments feel like the original abandonment wound reopening.
Behaviors:
Taking neutral feedback very personally and like a personal attack. Feeling devastated or angry by minor disagreements. Believing others are disappointed in them even without evidence. Avoiding situations where rejection is possible.
5. Difficulty Trusting Others
Trust becomes dangerous when the person who was supposed to stay didn’t.
Behaviors:
Expecting betrayal. Testing people to see if they’ll leave. Struggling to depend on others. Keeping emotional or logistical backups “just in case.”
6. Clinging or Emotional Detachment (sometimes both)
Some react by holding on tight; others by staying distant.
Clinging behaviors:
Need constant reassurance. Relationship becomes their entire world. Panic at any sign of withdrawal.
Detached behaviors:
Acting like they don’t need anyone. Avoiding vulnerability. Running or shutting down when conflict arises.
7. Overachieving or Underachieving
Many adults with abandonment wounds carry a deep belief: “I wasn’t worth staying for/looking for or coming back for.”
Overachieving looks like:
Over-achievers. Trying to prove their value through success. Difficulty resting. Needing praise to feel safe.
Underachieving looks like:
Feeling unworthy of good things. Fear of trying because failing feels like being “left” again. Self-sabotage.
8. Strong Emotional Reactions to Feeling Ignored
The body remembers! Even if the adult says “it’s not a big deal,” your nervous system says otherwise.
Behaviors:
Extremely angry when someone forgets something important. Feeling invisible or unimportant easily. Gravitating toward intense or dramatic relationships.
9. Difficulty Forming Secure Attachments
A child who didn’t experience bonding may struggle with attachment in adulthood.
Signs:
Struggling to feel safe with closeness. Anxiety in relationships. Avoidance of deep connection. Not knowing how to create or sustain emotional intimacy.
10. The “I don’t need anyone” Armor. I think of a super-independent person.
This is one of the most common signs of early abandonment.
Behaviors:
Hyper-independence. Refusing help even when overwhelmed. Pride in “doing everything alone.” Believing dependence equals weakness.
This isn’t strength—it’s self-protection.
WHY THIS HAPPENS (SIMPLE EXPLANATION)
When a child’s key attachment figure leaves or is unavailable:
Their brain wires for instability. Their body develops a fear response around connection. Their beliefs about self-worth form around the idea of not being enough to stay for. Their adult relationships become a battlefield where old wounds reenact themselves over and over.
This isn’t personal failure; it’s early survival programming.
The child internalizes it as being unworthy or unlovable. They may feel like they “weren’t important enough to stay for.” Every later loss gets magnified. Their adult brain keeps replaying that first abandonment.
IF SOMEONE’S AUNT OR A SIGNIFICANT ADULT LEFT
Even if it wasn’t a parent, children often attach to whoever offers care, safety, love, or special attention. When that person disappears:
In summary, abandonment during childhood can leave deep emotional imprints that often follow us into adulthood. Adults carrying these wounds may struggle with trust, fear rejection, seek constant reassurance, or alternate between clinging to others and pushing them away. They might become “people-pleasers” and overcompensate by being an “overachieve” doing way too much – I believe I demonstrated this behavior well into my fifties, honestly.
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward understanding and healing. With awareness, support, and self-compassion, it’s possible to break the cycle, build healthier relationships, and reclaim a sense of security and self-worth.
—————
Want to know the 10’ways in which to combat “abandonment issues?” Watch for Part II of this blog. Coming soon!
“If you enjoyed this blog, please like, comment, and follow/subscribe. I’d really appreciate your support. You can follow me on Facebook, Instagram, Substack, and I’m learning and playing with reels on TikTok with CapCut—sharing what life in my 60s is really like.”
“This blog was created with the assistance of careful research and multiple AI platforms to ensure accuracy, clarity, and reliable information. Vr Tena”
For More Information
If you’d like to explore abandonment wounds, attachment patterns, and healing in more depth, here are helpful resources:
John Bowlby – Attachment and Loss: Foundational work on how early relationships shape adult behavior.
Mary Ainsworth – Patterns of Attachment: Introduces secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment styles.
Bessel van der Kolk – The Body Keeps the Score: Explains how trauma lives in the body and mind.
Judith Herman – Trauma and Recovery: Classic guide to understanding long-term effects of childhood trauma.
Psychology Today (Abandonment Issues): Easy-to-read summaries and coping tools.
American Psychological Association (APA.org): Research-based articles on attachment, trauma, and emotional development.
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