Rethinking Marriage: A Personal Reflection
Being divorced twice will make you stop and think about marriage a little differently.
At least it did for me.
I’ve found myself asking deeper questions lately. Not just why my marriages didn’t work, but bigger questions: What is marriage really? Where did this idea come from? And what was it originally meant to be?
Growing up in America, we’re taught that marriage is almost the ultimate goal. You fall in love, you get married, and that’s supposed to be the foundation of a successful life.
But the more I’ve looked into it, the more I realize that marriage as we practice it in America today is a mixture of religion, culture, and government law. And those three things didn’t always mean the same thing.
The Bible, for example, talks about marriage as something sacred—a covenant before God. One of the most quoted passages comes from Genesis:
“A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Jesus later echoes something similar in Matthew when he says:
“What God has joined together, let no one separate.”
For centuries, Christians have used these verses as the spiritual foundation of marriage.
But when you actually look closely at the Bible, marriage looked very different back then.
There were arranged marriages.
There were dowries and bride prices.
Some men had multiple wives—Abraham did, and King Solomon famously had many.
Women often didn’t have much choice in the matter. Marriage was tied to family alliances, survival, and property.
It wasn’t the modern romantic love story we often imagine today.
As Christianity spread across Europe, the church began to shape how marriage was practiced. By the Middle Ages, the Catholic Church treated marriage as a sacrament, and clergy often oversaw wedding ceremonies.
But even then, governments and kings were still involved—especially when it came to property, inheritance, and legitimacy of children.
Fast forward to America.
When the United States was formed, the founders established something important: separation of church and state. That meant religion could influence people’s beliefs about marriage, but the government would control the legal structure.
So today, marriage in America is essentially a civil contract recognized by the state.
That contract affects things like:
taxes, inheritance, property, medical decisions, and immigration status.
The church may bless a marriage spiritually, but the government defines it legally.
In many ways, there are really two marriages happening:
One is the civil marriage, the legal contract.
The other is the religious or spiritual marriage, the covenant people make before God or within their faith.
You can technically have one without the other.
What I’ve come to realize is that historically, marriage wasn’t primarily about love at all.
For most of human history it was about:
property, alliances between families, lineage, and sometimes, survival.
The idea that marriage should be built mainly on romantic love and personal fulfillment is actually a pretty recent development—maybe the last two or three hundred years.
That realization made me rethink a lot.
After two divorces, I’ve stopped seeing marriage as something that is automatically necessary for a meaningful relationship. In fact, sometimes I think the institution itself can put enormous pressure on a relationship.
Two people can love each other, support each other, grow together—and still struggle under the expectations that society attaches to marriage.
So these days, I’m not anti-love or marriage. Not at all.
I’m just more curious about the institution itself.
What was marriage originally meant to be?
How did it evolve into the legal contract we have today in America?
And maybe the most honest question of all:
Is marriage necessary for a healthy, committed relationship… or is it something society taught us to believe we needed?
I’m still exploring that question.
But asking it has already changed how I think about love, commitment, and partnership.
What about you? Tell me what you think 🤔
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